Saturday, December 02, 2006

Are you aware............?

After a phone call we received the other day questioning our prices, which ended with the now immortal line - " Are you aware that your are more expensive than the Ritz?" we have spawned a new catchphrase here. "Are you aware.......?"

Are you aware.. that you need to book a table on a saturday, after all its our busiest day of the year. By the way, booking in advance doesnt mean phoning up at 7pm wanting a table at 8pm. Plan ahead.

Are you aware.. that I know how to do my job. I dont need constant hints from yourself to clear your glasses when you have just this second drained the wine from it and plonked it down on your table. We have standards here that require me to carry glasses on a tray, so I need to fetch a tray first before I clear your glasses.

Are you aware.. that the whole restaurant can hear your "hilarious" story about the time you cheated on your wife with a supermodel. Are you also aware that we arent really interested. Little voices please.

Are you aware.. that I have another fifteen tables to serve tonight, I like to chat with customers, but I also have to keep an eye out not to spend too much time with one table. I try not to be rude but sometimes you just have to cut someone short.

Are you aware..that we have bedrooms here in the hotel. Much as we all enjoy a bit of amateur porno, we dont want to see it in full public view. For gods sake get a room! A bit of kissing is ok, but when you're trying to ram your tongue so far down the poor girls throat you can taste her dinner, then its time for somewhere more private than the middle of the library.

Are you aware.. that "joke" you just spend the best part of ten minutes preparing is told to us at least ten times a night. HO HO HO HO. Yes how original, "have we got any hovis on the bread trolley". Yes dont give up your day job pal.

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